A man of the people.. guess not…

My friends admire you, (smh… )

What a waste of admiration, shift gears fantasies..

Darling, now you roll with the city girls, (wh***s)

After my tantrums you call them, when I said no it wasn’t love,

Come to my station and think the ground should worship you,

Well, yes big cars, big money, big guns,

But Roxi. St. Claire said.. take my worth, and dignity, but

My integrity is not for sale

Trying to be a man of the people, sorry you sold all,

You think you spite me, yes a long time ago (pinching myself)..

What a naive girl I was, but you see I shifted how I see,

How I see you, how I see the world, it’s more clear,

It’s been tough, tougher days, you being here I thought I will break down,

Not again, not now I said, I was riding my bicycle,

It felt so good, my dear I got more love than you can give,

Even them that thought months of silence should break me,

I am still here, I am writing a lot not because it’s fair,

Seeing things and people differently and realising il be damned,

I took in all that? I might be pretty strong,

You don’t see that do you, remember how much I fight,

I am winning to be fine, away from unexplainable hurt,

Away from depression, I thought I was unlucky,

Until I saw humour in this life,

That its how you see it, look again and it all changes,

So no darling you are not a man of the people,

Unfortunately if so not me.

Green…

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New 5’s that make sense.

I have learnt a few things this new month.

1.Some people will never show you who they really are.

2. You need to keep a distance to watch and learn people.

3. Get into trouble and you will know who cares or who does not.

4. You can never know someone full behaviours unless you spend time with them.

5. It’s never that serious.

I will start from the last part, I hated this phrase when boyfriend kept saying it. Honestly with time I have come to understand one thing, we all see things with a different perspective. Some people will do good and not see like its a big deal, others will sing that song forever what they did for you.

For example when someone wrongs you what do you do, sulk to eternity or forgive and forget and move on? When you fail do you stop trying or do you try harder? Are you a spendthrift or do you budget for your money? These are questions yes, but which side are you on, it’s never that serious or which one?

People like running their relationship virtually, phones or computers. Calls, texts and chats. How much time do you spend with your partner or do you meet in bed have sex then wake up go to work or get busy? That’s living a lie, trust me you know nothing about your partner.

You don’t know how they eat, how they laugh, how they look at you when upset or passionately. Wake up and spend a day with someone and you will know like I learned today it’s not about the flesh of an orange its about the taste and juicy part of it. Which one matters?

Believe me you can be so shocked that the person you met online has very weird behaviours. Or the person you dated through calls only changed over night when you meet and decide to be married.

Ooh the friends part, yeah get in trouble and they all run away. (Chuckled) humans amuse me, most of us don’t like helping especially in resent times when the least we can do is text and call, buy huge cars and houses, every single penny matters. Money is not helping, being present is helping, helping where you can.

What we forget, we all don’t forget, I needed this she distances herself, now she needs help ooh no I can’t do this or that. It’s who we are. But remember the hand that gives, receive.

A couple of weeks ago my friend got into trouble, I tried to be present but he distanced himself from me and our circle of friends, what do we do we sit back because no matter how much it hurt he doesn’t need help and he was hurting we had to sit and watch him in his misery.

I am not being insensitive at all, but sometimes all you can do is love them until they wake up one day and acknowledge that love, if they never do then it’s not on you. Yes I do check on my friend from his family even though he has nothing to do with us.

Other time it’s we need to do good every time, not because it’s an obligation but because it feels good to do good. Even if we are not recognised we did good we feel good inside.

You will eventually learn more when you listen more and talk less. You will observe more without interrupting that’s what i have learnt.

Sometimes it’s relationships, let them go and don’t stop caring about them if they get tired of moving around they will come back to you.

Sometimes we think we are so loved until we wake up and realise they are married with kids. Other times we will think they are our friends and they knew about it they just never cared.

Sometimes we think they are our friends until we get hospitalized and they never set foot in our house or near our hospital bed. Other times they are just good for you if you show them a good time.

Choose your friends wisely, do good because it feels good to do good, let go what hurts, learn to love yourself and sometimes remember it’s never that serious… (seriously laughing).

Green…

Solitude..

There was a time I waited silently at night,

For my dad’s headlights no matter what time of the night,

When eventually he pulled at the drive way, I would then fall asleep,

That then was worry for that person i loved,

There were those times I shivered at night to a point of breaking,

When they got sickness at night,

That was torture but love for that one person I loved the most,

The nightmares of that torture when I was young lasted while I gathered myself together,

So I distanced myself from such memories and chose a better life,

Solely my decision making kind of life,

Solitude and silence healed the torture and nightmares of that life,

Surely that life cannot define me, not in to the present I hold dear,

Then you came a long, now you want me to have sleepless nights,

Those times to wait for your calls,

Until in those hours of the night you show up,

Same scenes different casts,

You want me to worry about you and to have nightmares all over again,

Because yes I am afraid of the night, afraid of the hours I shivered, afraid of the breathless hours of agony,

I cannot let you lead me to those demons again,

I will not wait up for you, I will not let your calls through and neither will I remember those nights,

Solitude gave me life, forget the world thinking I am a snob,

Better I worry for me but not worry for more,

So I will not wait up, nor let your calls through anymore,

It’s better that way, love is not torture or nightmares,

I don’t know love, because if that was love it was unbearable to feel,

I may never have known love better because I never had a chance,

You claim this you give is love, I say no my darling,

I cannot do that to myself, don’t let me do that to myself,

My heart not so smart, because I care a lot and I love a normal, a habit,

But this is torture all over again, 

Let me have my silence and solitude,

They breathed life in me.

(Inspired by a true story told)

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Green…

A soul so oh alive…

Have you ever known emptiness?

Not until you hear the story of deceit and loss,

Of sorrow and sadness when you wake up and its all a dream,

When you dared to dream of love and success,

Happiness and wholeness, until it dawns its not true,

It was such a lie, the person’s lied and the world never gave birth to any new day,

You look out into emptiness, you feel emptiness, you write empty words,

Your world becomes just a space where loneliness blooms,

Such life and thrive then suddenly its death awakens

That’s emptiness,

But when suddenly it all ends  and the wounds heal and a normal checks in,

The world colours begin to fade into a past long gone,

A past you buried and grew away from its shadow,

Sprouts and agonizes you like a bad dream

Where you turn its a new colour that’s more brighter,

Even in closed eyes its reflection burns and you can see and feel it,

All the strength gathered in months just disappears

You are left with a vanity of a vast wilderness that burns inside

You stare into emptiness and feel emptiness

Because now that’s emptiness.

You wear a brave heart, a brave soul and a brave smile,

Yet inside you are as empty as a glass of wine for a wounded soul,

The time you creat for them is the time they see your smile,

The time they never creat is the time you cry your eyes out alone in your emptiness,

That’s emptiness of a soul once so oh alive..

Green…

Please use your phone not me…

There is a funny trend that is making me roll my eyes, I have no problem or apology writing about it and its high time it stops.

I do agree I have some knowledge and reasources to know places and staff or simply i have a quick way of finding information because I read a lot and I have Google. That said, people should stop exploiting me and making me either yellow pages, or Google maps or simply telephone directories.

So here is the thing, I appreciate phone calls and texts but when I see one text reading send me Mombasa Beach Resort contacts Asap or you call me after 12 months to ask directions to the nearest mosque I will be mad at you.

This is why, when you are busy with what’s app or Facebook or any social media network do you forget there is Google on your phones and Google gives you all most everything?

You will call or text me and yes being a lady I will reply to your question asap but I will be furious when doing it but right after i will give you some advice please next time ask Google. Actually you have been given a simple option to just directly speak to Google (sic) and the search is done for you.

When you cannot find that or you are not near WiFi or have no data bundles you can ask but don’t make me your personal assistant. I am already working as one don’t exploit me.

Make use of those smart phones in your hands and available free WiFi like everywhere.

It’s said whoever stops reading becomes a fool or dies early.. (chuckles)… take chances ask Google, read more and you will stop being dependent on other people. Have these people stopped and wondered how many minutes I loose for googling for them and replying to their messages? I guess not.

It might be rude of me writing about it but I don’t understand why you have such an expensive gudget in your hands and you don’t know how to use it to your advantage. People need to remember a cell phone is not only for calls and texts its a whole device on its own that can manage your life for you.

It can be your diary to organize your life schedules, and it can be your personal assistant to help you move around and stop making me one.. so use it not me…

I will stop there now, I am done.

Green…

To write or not to write…

I have this little obsession about the ocean whether I am passing by or just there sitted and enjoying the tides, waves and the breeze, i take photos, yes I love the ocean.

So we took a little stroll with one of my munchkins a long Mama Ngina drive Mombasa… here…

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It was foggy and drizzling but that did not make us stop walking, talking and laughing. It’s always fun…

Well then, I have had a weird thought of deleting both my blogs because they are kind of personal. Yes.

Then I was like it makes me happy when I know I am able to construct a sentence to make a paragraph, or have an imaginative mind for prose or poetry. I never really wrote for an audience, I wrote to feel good, to perfect my English and because it’s a hobby.

I write because I like doing so,  it makes some meaning when my life becomes rather boring or when I am not ok.

So pulling down my blogs would not make me feel better but it will make me feel more lonely.

Writing is a hobby and also a way to exhale for me, a way to be sane and a way to have an ambitious mind active.

So i came into a conclusion whether  i have an audience or not, whether the critics are so brutal, whether the opinions are good or bad its who I am. I am not doing it for money or to please anyone I am doing it for me.

So i will have the courage to always write when I feel like it, when I want, and when i feel its time to do it. And by the way when you are a vast reader like I am there is always a curiosity to write something. It’s several years now and I won’t quit easily.

That was my decision and because I love wordpress…

Green…

That Moment…

20150816_145200Today i sat by the beach and wondered how simple it could be if nothing existed just me and the music that played in my ears.

I sat there facing the ocean and I felt the peace that has not been apart of me for a very long time.

If now I am able to be in a crowded place all by myself it means I am better than I thought. It was a realisation how we deem ourselves unworthy until its that time we surprise our self.

See I have my friend who is like 6. 2 feet tall and…  oh i went mostly because of his hug (giggle)…. he invited me to this function they had at the beach and because he was working I sat somewhere alone and it felt a little easier in my heart, a little peaceful.2015-08-16 21.18.23

There is that time comes you feel you cannot do without someone, something, or just some place well guess what darkness will set in and light will come in. That will remind you, you are left behind while the rest of the world goes on and glows.

Sometimes you need to remind yourself always that you are a blessing to yourself and those around you. Unless you feel important then why should others treat you less?

Waking up and feeling lesser as a person doesn’t count to the rest of the world it’s all on you. Learning how to easily get up and walk determines the potential that we can gain just by doing so.

Life is funny, its the best teacher that there is time to be wiser, more happier. Other times are for grief and loss and feeling stupid in the end darkness will come and light will follow.

That is the time you realise it’s entirely on you to decide if you will lay there or if it’s too hard to walk to better use your knees.

That’s the lesson I leant today.

Green…

The ‘Morris’ saga…

Thursday found me in a very interesting situation helping in bike riding, repairing, writing on the ground with my manicured nails and playing with my neighbour kids, all girls such fun!!!  Now mostly when I am not working I am watching Tv,  swimming or reading cross legged on the floor. This day was different and exciting.

The girls were all over me, they found out my name, they sang with me and they realised I am not a snob like grown up neighbours it was fun and I am looking forward to the next time.

I had limited myself from social media but when I went to dinner at my best friends house she asked me if I have heard of ‘Morris’. I had no idea so I tried to look for information and to my utter shock some comments were absurdly misplaced and out of context. After even listening to the audio mouth open, there was no pleasure in the deed.

I swear if I was the lady in play I would never say I ‘surrender’ after saying stop I am tired and you don’t, anything i would lay my hands on would land on your head and my teeth would also sink in your back until you see stars and your member falls like its a foggy day.

I would never permit such violence on me because it is. Some of us women suffer in silent to either please our partners or in our minds as an act of submission. Yeah sure right the bible says we submit but also the husbands are supposed to love their wives.

That to me was no act of love, that was torture, poor woman. I would urge the lady to walk out on that jerk either the relationship or marriage. Or if not so they sit down and discuss sex and making love. Some of us are so scared of the subject well it’s not a taboo anymore it’s a reality.

If the people that participated in the audio making did it for fun, my God, that was not funny at all, period! We should never joke on some of these things. It’s ubsurd really I will say it again.

Anyway we all love social media it educates and misleads all the time. Let us be wise and differentiate what’s good and what’s crazy. 

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This sticker was given to me by ‘baby girl’ ‘nicknamer’. She told me to spread the word…

Green…

Being back and feeling good…

So now I have a nickname… “baby girl”. I have been wondering is it because of my voice, my baby face, or my hair. The whole week these power women have been calling me so.

They are all “mheshimiwa’s” that’s why I feel weird really but well it will do until next time. 

So i have blog with blogger you know… yeah I do but I started here why I left its because my previous phone was not compatible. It was still a little not digitized but well I guess its time I am back.

I missed wordpress really fact being I like my phone too much and I can use it without trouble now and my nickname well let’s see below… I think it fits.

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Ok let me go back to being me for now. Let’s talk about how often you are told thank you. I have realised some of us can go a week without being told thank you. It’s either you have not done a good deed, you do the same things daily like a routine or you just meet ignorant people daily which is also a sad probability.

My colleague and I we have come up with a way where please don’t judge…..  ok where we are able to manage atleast five thank you’s in the course of a day. Meaning doing a good deed that deserves a thank you regardless it’s from whom strangers or people around you.

I have realised most people are not appreciative at all and all of us mind our business we forget about being polite and having a helping hand.

It can only start with me with the small part of saying thank you to little things done for me then it will go to me doing little things to others. From there it becomes a habit and I will tell you a thank you is followed by a smile and a welcome.

Let us embrace our manners and morals. Believe me you will always feel good about yourself when you do something good for others. Let us not always be selfcentered and ignorant always.

So yes I am back and I am here to stay and I feel good. Thank you for my followers and every fun of my blog. Have a beautiful day.

Green.

Betrayal…It hurts…You need to heal…

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You need to heal…

We have been dating for four years….

I found out she is cheating with her boss…I forgave her at first… then she did it again…

I left and told her I need a break…now she calls, texts, threatens to come camp outside my house if I don’t take her back…..

My views….

…..Do you want her back…..? He said Hell no…

Betrayal hurts every person even the strongest of all. He is hurting, and even with his easy smile, he has a strained heart.

I told him what he needed to hear, she left because what she wanted she did not get from him. He forgave ones and she did it again, she will never stop.

The first time she said sorry and you took her back, you are her back up plan the second time she is coming back, she knows you are there. This time you need to put your foot down, you are the victim, don’t victimize yourself too long, she is not worth your good heart, your gentleness and the fact that you are able to forgive.

Don’t move houses because she claims to camp outside, that’s running away from a problem, let her in, tell her, you loved her, forgave the first time, even the second but its over between you too, it cannot happen again, we are not supposed to be together, am not what you are looking for, am not enough. I want to wait for that special girl who is going to be enough for me and I enough for her.

I continue to probe…..

Do you love her, do you want her back?

Celine Dion sang and said you are the only one to decide, let your heart decide. I might tell you don’t take the risk it’s a waste of time, but if you think you will find happiness baby take a dive. What do you want, what do you need…

He said at his point in life he does not trust ladies anymore…

Trust is like a house, you start by foundation, you build trust from a foundation, when you meet that girl, when you smile at her, when she melts your heart, and the time you decide she is the one. Don’t limit yourself from past hurts, past betrayal, it will hold you back and your house is not complete to live in, where will you sleep?

If you cannot love more, hurt more, how will you appreciate love? We have all been damaged, our hearts broken into a million pieces, yet here we are, yet some of us have testimonies, why not give your heart time to heal, your heart time to cry, give yourself time to grieve. By so doing, the bitterness will go away, time gives you a chance to recollect, to gather the pieces, to rope the sleeves back, to patch your torn gown.

Life is hard, but you need to cope, you need to be tougher, if you say you cannot love anymore, you cannot trust anymore and always forlorn like a night owl, the days are going fast, and life must go on while you are stuck in a world of your own with an excuse of being betrayed…
He asked what you know…

I don’t… but I have eyes I see, I have ears I hear… I have read wide and listened to similar circumstance… so follow what you think is best from my words…

Green…